birthdays

I'm 41 today.
I remember the year I turned 31.  2002.  I was 7 months pregnant with Max.  Jess had just turned 5.  Kate was 3 1/2, Abby was 18 months.  We lived on Summit in Bellevue. I cried.  I felt old and exhausted.  I spent the day, the cold and snowy day, at home with the kids.  I dreamed about being 41.  I thought about what it would be like to have teenagers, to sleep all night, to care about my appearance, to get my body back...to have money by then!
I looked forward to my 40's thinking about how it would be and who I would be and I must say that for the most part, all of those dreams and wishes have come true.
While it is cold, it's not snowing!  The kids are all in school.  They are 15, 13, 11 and almost 10.  I just got 7 and 1/2 hours of complete sleep and I'm planning on going out for the day... just me. My own time, my own body...without any attachments (you know, the ones that cling and hang and cry and whine....)
Well, it's still February though.  And February finances are still not something to get excited about, but I must say that 41 is feeling pretty good.
Except....
why is there always an except?  Why can't I just be satisfied?
Except...well....I'm 41.  A friend was talking about the ages of the people in a group she considered joining, but they were all middle aged.  Watch it I said....I'm middle aged!  I'm that woman, the one with the house and the kids and the life in full swing. 

No longer waiting for things to start, but wondering how much I missed while I was waiting.

My greatest thanks today is for my glenn.  I love that I can remember him at 12 and he me. I love that he remembers, that he knows me at 18, 25, 31 and pregnant and crying and tired. That he knows ...everything and that he loves because of, in spite of, still.

Why- in the midst of the greatest time of my life- the joy and peace, the family and friends, the business and purpose- in the midst of this time why do I still feel an ache? A longing.
If I am blessed with a long life, I'm only just now getting to the halfway point...so much more to do, to say, to live...and yet...I feel such sadness at the time gone by.

Trust me...I do not wish for the years of no sleep, diapers and the constancy of babies and toddlers...I do not want to do that again...I just wonder how it is that it came and went so quickly and how I find myself on the other side of that time. and it's not about missing anything.  I have been truly blessed...I was there for every moment with each child, each word, each step, each first...and yet....they still passed.  I was there and yet they are still over.

But....
Jess will learn to drive this year.  Max will play baseball.  Abby is taking gymnastics and Katherine will start high school.  They are still having firsts and I am still here for every one. I am so blessed.  I am so blessed.  I am so truly blessed.

We are doing my favorite thing later today....
I'll shop for lots of fresh foods and we'll all hang out in the kitchen cooking together.  Great music playing, lots of sharing and laughing.  Enjoying wine and one another's stories.  Time.  Time to just be together and notice the life we are living. Just the six of us....enjoying time together.

Notice the life you are living.  Whether it is good times or hard times, it's the life you are living.  Be present to it as it too will change and move forward.

Happy Birthday.  Yes, it's a happy birthday.  My heart is full and that is the ache.  An abundance of anything can make us ache...even abundance of goodness.  My cup runneth over.